Yesterday, I had an inch on my inner thigh and no matter what I did, I couldn't reach it. I finally worked it out with a measuring spoon.
Sparkles, is so low (and BIG) that I can't even bring my knees up while I'm sleeping because she is in the way. Sometimes I think that, even though I have almost twice the amount of fluid that a normal pregnant lady has, Sparkles may be 12 pounds already. I can barely get around these days.
Let's just say that reaching my la la after a tinkle is getting pretty challenging.
Ahhhh, to be pregnant with Owen again. Unafraid, unknowing, and though mama got quite big with him, as well, I was surprising agile and void of complaints.
My next door neighbor and good friend, Erin, delivered yesterday and boy, was I jealous. A big surprise for me, because I had no idea how ready I was until I heard the news.
Knowing that this pregnancy will be my last (according to me, not Andrew, who wants 10 more), I still have this strange feeling that I've missed out on how wonderful it is to be pregnant and how I miss it already...but, I'm still pregnant...strange, I know.
And frankly, this pregnancy hasn't been that fun. Missing out on what, exactly??
It's kinda like when Andrew and I were still just two. We laid in bed and fantasized about what it would be like to have our little boy and I truly thought, "what did we do before Owen got here?" But strangely, he wasn't even there yet...
The mind is an amazing thing. Since Erin has been blessed with her beautiful baby boy, I have had Braxton Hicks contractions and amazing, the real deal contractions that about knock you off of your feet.
To be honest, I am in awe of these BH contractions. They are amazing. They come like a wave hitting the beach with a true starting point. Then, they rise up and crunch Sparkles into a big ball...then some hard core pressure, and a peak and then, just like a wave, they dissolve into the background. It's pretty cool. They almost feel good. I read in Ina May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth that if boys had a uterus, they would brag about them all day. Mine is pretty cool, super strong and downright badass, I gotta say...
The mac daddy, big bang ones hurt, but they are pretty cool, too, I have to admit. They start like a dormant period cramp below and growl into the baby, starting so low and then move into circles moving gradually up into long, vertical grabs that peak sharp and then just fade away leaving a shadow of dull ache in its path as a reminder that another one could come at any time.
These big dogs are filled with opportunities to practice visualizations, and breathing through it...it's just been a nice reminder about how things are gonna go down.
Andrew and I have decided to stay with Kay's back up midwife, Nutty Janet. I'm at peace with this decision. This way, we can stay at the hospital where I delivered Owen, where the postpartum care is the bomb diggatty (minus the food). And, having met with Janet twice in a week, I'm cool with the nuttiness.
Some of my coolest friends are nutty and I can deal...at times, I really like it. Andrew agreed that she was quite "chatty." But, so what? So am I...I'm sure there are a few out there who would say I'm a nut, too. In fact, I'm sure Kay would say so...
Janet is way into natural childbirth. She had her baby at home in the tub. Plus, she said a lot of things that I needed to hear and I have a feeling that she will be all business when Sparkles comes. Also, Kay actually trained her and she will be there. So, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Will I really need a good listener while I'm pushing out my Sparkly watermelon??? Doubtful.
Anyway, I'm still hoping for a painless birth. What? Yes, it actually exists.
My grandma had a painless birth. I know, it's crazy. She reports that on her due date, she felt an enormous amount of pressure, kneeled down in her bathroom and announced to her mother that the baby was coming. Incredulous, her mom didn't believe her for a second. Next thing you know, my mama was crowning. No pain.
That's fucking sweet, if you ask me.
I'm even somewhat open to an orgasmic birth. What? Yes, a bunch of mommies claim that while baby is coming down the pike they were....um, just...coming.
If that happened to me, I would never tell anyone. The videos of these chicks are out there for all (including their innocent offspring) to download and watch. I can't think of any scenario when I would want my kid to be present while I'm having ecstasy and dirty thoughts. I mean, they must be having dirty thoughts or how could they get the job done??? They claim that it's just a big surprise but it just doesn't strike me as a spontaneous thing, ya know?
Ugh. My reflection is so clear in my computer screen right now I can count all three of my chins. Yeah. Ready.
Considering I was only hot for about 5 minutes before I got pregnant with Sparkles, I could use a little bit of the "I'm sexy" feeling. But, while birthing??? It just seems so unlikely and that's why it's doubtful that I will be one of these mommies. I look at pictures of me after I birthed Owen and I look like I just signed up for the Biggest Loser. Not hot.
I love it when I get a whistle or a yell when I'm in my car. I'm like, y'all don't even know how enormous and unsexy the rest of me is right now. But, thanks for confidence boost and the ignorance of my three chins!
In truth, I feel like I've been pregnant for three years, which furthers the ridiculousness of feeling like I'm going to miss being pregnant.
So, I'm staying right here in the moment. Pregnant. Ready.
When I slip into next week or the week after, I take the Eckart Tolle approach to get me back where I need to be and ask myself, "am I still breathing?" and here I am again. Now.
Will I remember how to nurse? Will I ever forget what it feels like to have Sparkles rearranging the furniture in my kick ass uterus?? Will I ever have the luxury of not having to hold my stomach in ever again???
Whoa.
I am still breathing,
Cheri
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