What I've Learned So Far...

A mother of two definitely invented mimosas, early walkers are overrated, and if you don't have a wipe, baby will blow out (Similarly, if you don't have a burp cloth, they will spit up - see photo).

What else have I learned???

First, daddies have it easy. I know, I know, it's not politically correct to say so and I know that some daddies are the mac daddy (including Owen and Violet's daddy), but I've learned a little something about daddies...

When Daddy is with baby that's ALL HE DOES. Don't get me wrong. No one is more engaged with my kids than Daddy. Owen has his undivided attention when he has it at all. What is it my mom said? Andrew acts as if he is with someone else's kid? I love that.

But, when I come home from Daddy doing me a "favor" and watching the kids, on first, second and third glances, it's seems it's been anything but...

Maybe the kid has been fed, but the evidence of the meal is overwhelming and everywhere. The furniture has usually been moved ("How are we supposed to make room for dancing if we can't move the furniture, Cheri?"). Somehow, in the 2 or 3 hours I've been gone, they've managed to rack up 2 or 3 loads of laundry. And, undoubtedly, as soon as I walk in the door, Daddy sits down with a bottle to feed the baby, just so I can pump instead of nurse.

"Why didn't you call to see where I was? I could have easily nursed her..."

"I didn't want to bother you...It's your day off...I was trying to make things easy on you...blah, blah, blah..."

Leaving me with no ammo with which to bitch and a grumpy attitude during my 15 minute pumping session fantasizing about other ways I'd like to spend that time.

My "favor" has somehow morphed into an evening of pumping, cleaning, moving furniture and doing laundry.

The good news is, the kids had a blast while I was gone.

This is why Daddy's grand entrance into our home is revered much like the guru actually showing up at the shrine. He is always 100% engaged in whatever activity is presented. There is no emptying the dishwasher while he watches over puzzle completion or folding laundry while toddler makes a picture for Daddy.

Who can't be bothered with such nonsense as light housekeeping and day to day tasks while the kids are around??? Daddy. That's who!

Just think of it...have you ever heard a mommy say such an asinine sentence as, "I really need to make time for the kids." Or, "I need to spend more time with the family,"? No. Never.

Quality time is always appreciated and sought out, but even mommies that work all day every day, know that the buck stops with them. There are exceptions to every rule, but my crude observations so far validate that as soon as a mommy comes home, she is automatically punched in and on regardless of what daddy is doing. Mommies mere existence includes time spent with the kids and family.

The second thing that I have learned...and this one took a while to actually get into my thick skull...is that if I want anything else in my life whatsoever, I need help. Now.

I never knew how much I valued being able to spend even 5 minutes alone. Or, God forbid, doing nothing. A regular yoga class or a guitar lesson was a pipe dream up until this week.

That's why as I write, my toddler is playing with my new best friend, Nancy. A babysitter! Yay!

I've also coordinated a "night off from the toddler" with my neighbor. One night a week she takes them both, the other night, I do. Brilliant.

Because of the ridiculousness of mother guilt, I feel compelled to justify my need to ask for and hire some help. So, here goes...

Frankly, I just can't live like this. The to do list is never done. I can't even do it all, so getting ahead is out of the question. In my line of work this is not acceptable. After all, I am "Atlanta's Stress Therapist," right? I'm supposed to be an expert in stress and time management and if I can't do it, bitch, no one can!

(Insert smily face winking here).

Plus, let's face it, people, I'm cranky. I still have 10 or 15 pounds to lose (I can't bring myself to the get on the scale), I am nursing, I am up with a newborn at night, and I am navigating the daily, treacherous waters of caring for a 2 year old all day long. 2 under 2 is a rough ride!

My mother-in-law cheers me on the best...she's been telling me to get help since Owen was born. Here is a woman that was in law school when she had her first baby. Yikes. That sounds like a lot. Nevermind that I would rather go to jail for 4 years than go to law school for 3...that's a whole other blog.

As overwhelmed as I am, I realize how lucky I am that I had my babies as an older woman.

Ha! That sounds so funny. Am I an "older woman?" It sounds like such a drag, but it's true, I'm about to turn 39 in about a month or two and even though I ignored the ridiculousness of such a stupid label, I was, admittedly, "advanced maternal age" for both of my babies births.

But, I digress....

I think, for me, it all seems to work out because I'm not young and pissed. I can't imagine having kids young. I seriously think I'd just be pissed all the time. I see the show 16 and Pregnant (whoa) and although it's the extreme side of things, I can see these girls just living the angry life from here on out.

I think I'm a more patient mom, and probably more fun all the way around because I've done pretty much everything that I've wanted to...except for maybe perform as the the musical guest on Saturday Night Live (one can dream, right?).

I went to grad school, played in a band (www.13stories.com - a shameless plug!) and opened and still run my own business. I even traveled some and really enjoyed my marriage before the babies came.

So, I know that if I'm not doing it now, that it will come. That I will do it and it's possible. It's not a mystery or a dream. Some things will just be on my someday maybe list and I'm cool with that. Oh, I don't know, like, have a clean house, a book club for therapists, and long vacations.

But, I've figured out here lately, is that I'm choosy about what I want on that list. I don't want to have "finish my book" on my someday maybe list. I want to write now. I don't want to be in shape one day or feel guilty about meditating sometimes and not regularly. I want these things now.

So, basically, I don't feel like I won't get to do anything else for the rest of my life, but I also know what I like and what I need in my life to be well. Once you have this information and can conceptualize how you can get it into your life, it's virtually impossible to ignore.

So, I can do it...just not alone.

I hope Nancy is everything I think she is...I'm already having visions of going to her college graduation and lugging her with us on family vacations...

yesssssssssss,

Cheri

"It's the hardest job you'll ever love" and other true cliches...

Yes. I'm aware. It's been a long time since I've written anything.

I think from now on and forever my new (and valid!) excuse for everything will be: I have TWO kids, people!

Oh, how I look back at my gross naivety when meeting maternal goddesses in the past who would introduce themselves as a mother of two or more...

"Cool," I would casually shoot back.

Not knowing that she who stood before me was to be revered and honored as the perfect epitome of why mimosas, massages and yoga retreats were invented.

And who hasn't heard or (God forbid!) even spoken the words, "so, do you just stay at home with the kids?"

Maternity leave has been positively a peach for me. I can't imagine working. The six more weeks may as well be decades. Ambition is scarce these days. I think Sparkles suckles it out of me every 3 hours or so.

Who needs ambition when the dishwasher keeps breaking, I need my teeth cleaned, Owen is hellbent on potty training right this second and Sparkles can't keep a burp cloth clean for miles???

Oh, I love this life. Don't get me wrong.

Take yesterday, for example. At 9:30am we had "neighborhood coffee."This is a brilliant invention of my mother's where all the mommies in my neighborhood bring their two kids to one mommy's house, while another mommy gets to run out and get us all coffees. Yes. Brilliance. To be in the car totally alone....what a luxury!

At 11am I had a play date with a friend of mine that I used to be a cheerleader with in Jr. High...nuts. I know!

The kids played in the new outdoor "Flower Shower" that I recently bought at an art fair. It's great...it flows into the baby pool. The plants get watered, the kids have a ball, the mommies get some sun and, with a little splash of Burt's Bees for Babies, bath time is a breeze!

During our watery, sunny, play date a dear friend of mine came by to meet Violet. She closed her visit with a comment about my "fantastic boobs." I educated her on the breastfeeding "benefits" of leaving your membership to the "Itty Bitty Titty Committee" behind (of which, I frankly, want my card back).

Then, a little panic as Sparkles takes an entire bucket of cold water over her head curtesy of her big brother (I told her to get used to men, especially big brothers, ruining her day again and again); then, lunch and then...

The most wonderful part of every day. Nap time.

I think every mom has a "thing," and mine is sleep. My neighbor, Erin and I share our philosophy that sleep is the most important thing for our kids and their mommies. But, Owen is over the top...Erin and I also always joke that it's "always almost Owen's bedtime."

My kid takes a snooze every day from about 1:30-4:30 or 5pm. Sometimes I have to wake him up so he can go to bed at 6:30 or 7pm. It's nice to have this break every day, because it helps with the overwhelming guilt that I have because I'm not giving Violet near the amount of of one on one time that Owen got when he was her age.

Now, during nap time, I cavort with my newborn. The title implies so. much. work. But we casually played, cleaned the house in the sling, did our obligatory one load of laundry for the day (give it up, ladies. It will never be all done unless your maid or mom just finished it and it's over in 5 minutes. So, I've taken to just "getting a handle on it" with one load a day) and had ample tummy time. I even got a chance to take a shower!

At 5:15pm, when I woke up Owen, we went next door to play with Erin and her son Quinn. She also has a newborn Sparkle's age and her mother-in-law was in town, so it was a fun visit.

While there, I got a call from a college roommate of mine that wanted to come and meet Violet. So, we had dinner, got the kids to bed, drank a beer and visited until what I call, "pump and bedtime."

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that I've recently taken up drinking???

It was a fun day. Full. Busy. But, certainly, fun.

Busy. Ugh. Can we be here for a minute?

"Busy" drives me crazy. Everybody is busy. I just hate the word. And, it's so often used to imply condescension.

"How are you?"

"I'm sooooo busy."

As if no one can comprehend having a full day! I'm trying to make it a point to never answer the casual greeting and inquiry on how you're doing with "the busy response." These days, people are busy 24-7 and who's to say what busy even means??? It's at the busy bee's discretion...Busy with work, busy with kids, busy with a new hobby, busy watching Charlie Sheen's demise on YouTube...it doesn't matter what it is...it's all busy.

With kids...it's not so much the busyness, as it is the responsibility of it all. It's the "no light at the end of the tunnel," the "nothing to look forward to..." There just aren't any days off.

Even when someone takes them for a night or daddy gets to help out, it's still all you when you're the mom. The phone must be on. You must remain available always. You can never totally take yourself out of it and if for some reason you do, even for a split second during savasana, the guilt monster creeps in.

So, I'm thinking of hiring a mother's helper or a full on nanny a day or two a week to give me a hand (Guilt! Just stop, already!). I just want to do too many things right now and the rare, "holy crap! Are they both actually asleep at the same time?!?!" moments just aren't cutting it for me.

Personally, these moments paralyze me. I dance around feeling so free that by the time somebody wakes up, I've spaced out on an eBay auction or a completely non-urgent organizing project and not a thing that "needs" to be done has been addressed.

I'm overwhelmed. I'm ok. But I'm overwhelmed.

I want my body back. I've been big and I've been small and believe me, small is better.

I want to feel in shape and strong again.

I want a little something of my own. A regular yoga class. A coffee shop writing spree. An "I nailed it moment" on the guitar.

I don't want to get lost in the "When-Then Trap." You know, "when she can walk, then I won't need all of this baby stuff" or "when he goes to school, then it will be easier" or "when they can play together, then it will be manageable." These can go on and on and every single thing ends up lost somewhere in milestone land and then what have you really enjoyed???

I have to stay open and aware so I don't miss anything. Contrary to what Andrew has to say about it, this is my last baby and I want to be here with and for her every single second and I just can't. I need to focus on doing only what I can, with no looking back or wishing their lives away, and keep on making being in the moment the goal.

Then I look at my Sparkles, who everyday flashes pleasant resemblance reminders of my family (namely my awesome sister), and Owen, who's decided that Super Grover Underpants and Elmo rain boots are the fashion statement of this season and all of the cliches and lullabies make perfect sense.

It's all worth it in the end. It's the hardest job you'll ever love. But can you imagine your life any different?

Yes. It is.

No. I can't.

La,

Cheri