Pressure, Contractions and Pain, Oh My!

Yesterday, I had an inch on my inner thigh and no matter what I did, I couldn't reach it. I finally worked it out with a measuring spoon.

Sparkles, is so low (and BIG) that I can't even bring my knees up while I'm sleeping because she is in the way. Sometimes I think that, even though I have almost twice the amount of fluid that a normal pregnant lady has, Sparkles may be 12 pounds already. I can barely get around these days.

Let's just say that reaching my la la after a tinkle is getting pretty challenging.

Ahhhh, to be pregnant with Owen again. Unafraid, unknowing, and though mama got quite big with him, as well, I was surprising agile and void of complaints.

My next door neighbor and good friend, Erin, delivered yesterday and boy, was I jealous. A big surprise for me, because I had no idea how ready I was until I heard the news.

Knowing that this pregnancy will be my last (according to me, not Andrew, who wants 10 more), I still have this strange feeling that I've missed out on how wonderful it is to be pregnant and how I miss it already...but, I'm still pregnant...strange, I know.

And frankly, this pregnancy hasn't been that fun. Missing out on what, exactly??

It's kinda like when Andrew and I were still just two. We laid in bed and fantasized about what it would be like to have our little boy and I truly thought, "what did we do before Owen got here?" But strangely, he wasn't even there yet...

The mind is an amazing thing. Since Erin has been blessed with her beautiful baby boy, I have had Braxton Hicks contractions and amazing, the real deal contractions that about knock you off of your feet.

To be honest, I am in awe of these BH contractions. They are amazing. They come like a wave hitting the beach with a true starting point. Then, they rise up and crunch Sparkles into a big ball...then some hard core pressure, and a peak and then, just like a wave, they dissolve into the background. It's pretty cool. They almost feel good. I read in Ina May Gaskins Guide to Childbirth that if boys had a uterus, they would brag about them all day. Mine is pretty cool, super strong and downright badass, I gotta say...

The mac daddy, big bang ones hurt, but they are pretty cool, too, I have to admit. They start like a dormant period cramp below and growl into the baby, starting so low and then move into circles moving gradually up into long, vertical grabs that peak sharp and then just fade away leaving a shadow of dull ache in its path as a reminder that another one could come at any time.

These big dogs are filled with opportunities to practice visualizations, and breathing through it...it's just been a nice reminder about how things are gonna go down.

Andrew and I have decided to stay with Kay's back up midwife, Nutty Janet. I'm at peace with this decision. This way, we can stay at the hospital where I delivered Owen, where the postpartum care is the bomb diggatty (minus the food). And, having met with Janet twice in a week, I'm cool with the nuttiness.

Some of my coolest friends are nutty and I can deal...at times, I really like it. Andrew agreed that she was quite "chatty." But, so what? So am I...I'm sure there are a few out there who would say I'm a nut, too. In fact, I'm sure Kay would say so...

Janet is way into natural childbirth. She had her baby at home in the tub. Plus, she said a lot of things that I needed to hear and I have a feeling that she will be all business when Sparkles comes. Also, Kay actually trained her and she will be there. So, I'm feeling pretty good about things. Will I really need a good listener while I'm pushing out my Sparkly watermelon??? Doubtful.

Anyway, I'm still hoping for a painless birth. What? Yes, it actually exists.

My grandma had a painless birth. I know, it's crazy. She reports that on her due date, she felt an enormous amount of pressure, kneeled down in her bathroom and announced to her mother that the baby was coming. Incredulous, her mom didn't believe her for a second. Next thing you know, my mama was crowning. No pain.

That's fucking sweet, if you ask me.

I'm even somewhat open to an orgasmic birth. What? Yes, a bunch of mommies claim that while baby is coming down the pike they were....um, just...coming.

If that happened to me, I would never tell anyone. The videos of these chicks are out there for all (including their innocent offspring) to download and watch. I can't think of any scenario when I would want my kid to be present while I'm having ecstasy and dirty thoughts. I mean, they must be having dirty thoughts or how could they get the job done??? They claim that it's just a big surprise but it just doesn't strike me as a spontaneous thing, ya know?

Ugh. My reflection is so clear in my computer screen right now I can count all three of my chins. Yeah. Ready.

Considering I was only hot for about 5 minutes before I got pregnant with Sparkles, I could use a little bit of the "I'm sexy" feeling. But, while birthing??? It just seems so unlikely and that's why it's doubtful that I will be one of these mommies. I look at pictures of me after I birthed Owen and I look like I just signed up for the Biggest Loser. Not hot.

I love it when I get a whistle or a yell when I'm in my car. I'm like, y'all don't even know how enormous and unsexy the rest of me is right now. But, thanks for confidence boost and the ignorance of my three chins!

In truth, I feel like I've been pregnant for three years, which furthers the ridiculousness of feeling like I'm going to miss being pregnant.

So, I'm staying right here in the moment. Pregnant. Ready.

When I slip into next week or the week after, I take the Eckart Tolle approach to get me back where I need to be and ask myself, "am I still breathing?" and here I am again. Now.

Will I remember how to nurse? Will I ever forget what it feels like to have Sparkles rearranging the furniture in my kick ass uterus?? Will I ever have the luxury of not having to hold my stomach in ever again???

Whoa.

I am still breathing,

Cheri

Who Will Deliver Sparkles???

I knew when I looked down at my phone and saw my midwife calling me that something is was up...with just a few weeks to go in my pregnancy, Kay informed me that she had been let go and lost her privileges at the hospital where we planned on birthing Sparkles.

This was crushing news for me. My birth with Owen, as perfect and healthy as he was, was very, very hard and long and I know with 100% certainty that I would have had a Cesarean Section if it was not for my awesome birthing team.

(Owen's birth story is listed in this blog, just scroll down).

As a pregnant lady about to deliver, I was kinda devastated. But as a friend and therapist, I could tell that Kay was pretty bummed and in my effort to comfort her a bit, I think I ended up comforting myself, as well.

The truth is, in my experience, things have a tendency of working out perfectly. That is, if you allow, let go and stay open. The couple of times that I have found the rug pulled out from under me at work, for instance, it always ended up being truly a blessing in disguise. I'm even thankful now for the fax that I received from the owner of my company one Friday that said we would be closed on Monday.

Sometimes, unless the Universe intercedes, we convince ourselves that we are content in our less than perfect situation. Until our hands are forced to find a different solution, often turning out to be a much better one, we linger. Devastations are rarely so, for long. I think Wayne Dyer says, "no storm lasts forever."

Obviously, I am speaking to Kay's situation. She had eluded to the fact that she was pushing buttons and getting push back from hospital staff in the past. And I had noticed that not one nurse or practitioner was the same in her practice from 3 months ago. But I really didn't think it would come to this.

But who am I to say that all of this rhetoric was only for Kay? Perhaps, my delivering there wasn't going to be as wonderful as it was the first time. Or, I am supposed to have a new experience with someone else. Unexpected, abrupt change can be a message or a sign and I'm listening...

I didn't think it was any of my business what exactly preempted the firing, so I didn't ask. Over the course of a few phone calls, she later told me that she had delivered a perfectly healthy baby, no meconium, no need for NICU, no distress whatsoever and the staff took the baby from the mommy to be scrubbed and weighed right away without allowing any bonding time with mommy. Kay threw a fit and they revoked her privileges at the hospital.

It sounded like a last straw type of thing. Kay told me, "I'm in a medical setting. They think my patients have a medical problem that needs to be solved and I think that my patients have a natural process going on that needs to be supported. I'm the thorn in their side and they're the thorn in mine."

It might not have been such a drag if I had any good feelings toward Kay's backup midwife. Like I mentioned in my last blog, she comes across as a bit anxious and not as into listening as she is talking.

I spent the first 5 minutes of our first appointment together convincing her that I wasn't some other woman that she had me confused with...I'm still not sure she believed me. I just kept wondering how she could argue with me that I'm the lady that has decided against a VBAC when I've never even had a Cesarean.

Anyway, my mind instantly went elsewhere. One thing I know for sure, it's very important to have a bunch a good, female spirits surround you while you birth.

Since I'm 37 weeks along, no one will really take you as a transfer. That being said, Kay mentioned a few options for me. If I opted to deliver with Janet, the lady that covers her, she would be willing to come to the birth and be a co-doula with my doula free of charge (what a sweetheart).

I could also try out Margaret, the other infamous midwife here in Atlanta known for supporting natural childbirth and has tubs at her hospital for birthing. Kay said that she would take me as a favor to her. Unfortunately, tragedy has recently struck Margaret. Turns out, she fell down the stairs outside of her home and her husband went into the house to get the car keys to drive her to the hospital. When he never returned, she crawled up the stairs and into her house with a broken ankle to find her husband dead. Just horrible.

So, since Margaret is not delivering anyone anytime soon, that would mean that I would be dealing with her back up midwives, whom Kay and my doula, Alice are certain that I would like but I barely have time to meet.

The other obvious option is to jump on the home birth train. This idea alone was enough to send Andrew into a panic and he's the most laid back guy I know...

We were feeling pretty good about going to a hospital that is 15 minutes away with a practice that supports natural childbirth and has experienced midwives that Kay feels confident about...so, I made an appointment with them. They agreed to see me on Monday.

My girlfriend, Brittany, was scheduled to deliver with Kay, as well. At 32 weeks, she has many more options than me, but still very upset about the news as she attributes her first great birthing experience to Kay and the hospital staff, as well.

I tell Brittany about my plan and she proceeds to tell me about her buddy that has worked at Labor and Delivery at this intown hospital for years and all of the complaints and misery about it. Like the staff makes fun of women who want to labor naturally, and the postpartum rooms are small and daddy has to sleep in a chair, etc., etc., etc.

Ugh.

So, since hospital where Janet is covering Kay's patients was like staying in a hotel, and the only reason I really want to deliver in a hospital in the first place (besides avoiding giving my husband a heart attack), is to enjoy the postpartum care, I have decided to keep my appointment with "Kay" today and see how it goes with Janet.

Maybe she'll be incredibly impressive, appropriate and wonderful today.

Remember the "allowing" and "being open" thing I was talking about earlier?? Just trying to channel that.

It seems that, according to my doula and my HypnoBirthing coach, the staff at both hospitals are "comparable" with respect to supporting natural childbirth.

So, as counterintuitive as a "wait and see" attitude is for me, I don't have a choice.

I'm open. I'm letting go. I'm unattached. I'm asking God for guidance and the reality of it all is that this will all be a distant memory in about 3 weeks.

I do know that I want Kay at my birth. I'm sure of it. I sent her a text yesterday that said that it would mean the world to me and that I would be happy to pay her. She wrote back, "Wouldn't do it for bucks. But I would love to be there. The kind of energy and passion you bring to the process is what maintains my love of midwifery."

I feel so profoundly touched that I haven't been able to respond. I know that I'm a pretty lucky pregnant lady in the grand scheme of things.

So, with my mom on vacation, my doula at an out of town conference and my prenatal care up in the air, Sparkles and I are on our own for a few days until we get our team together.

Prayers, love, light and faith, it will all work out because, it always does.

Right?

Right,

Cheri